Timing is everything they say. Well, I was thankful for God’s timing this week.
Over the last few weeks we’ve been talking about issues concerning abuse. Three weeks ago we talked about the abuse of authority and we saw how, according to the Bible, if someone has authority in another person’s life (as a parent, a boss, a teacher, whatever) then they have an equal responsibility to care for that person’s wellbeing. If they don’t fulfil their responsibility to care, they lose the authority.
Two weeks ago we talked about how our early experiences of parenting shape our understanding of what God is like, and we saw that we need to allow our understanding to be reshaped by scripture and by our experience of other godly people. Then last week Karen Elliot and Maggie Smit spoke to us about their vision to begin a ministry to women in crisis, most of whom have abuse in their history, as well as in their present experience.
This week’s message is the last in this mini-series, but I think it has probably been the hardest to prepare. For most of the last two weeks I’ve been reading, thinking and praying about the topic of forgiveness and how it relates to the experience of abuse. I was pretty close to despairing of having anything worthwhile to say this morning, until around mid-week when Marilyn handed me an audio CD with a teaching on just this subject. So, as a result, much of what I have to say this morning is rooted in the teaching of Dr Steve Tracy who is part of a ministry specifically to victims of abuse, called “Mending the Soul.”
The major reason I was struggling to find something to say this morning was because so much of what is written about forgiveness from a Christian perspective just didn’t seem to be quite right. Because I’m a preacher at heart my first point of reference is the Bible, then what others have written about the Bible, then outward from there. So, if you go to the Bible, you definitely see forgiveness there as a major theme. Usually it’s about God forgiving us, although sometimes it’s also about people forgiving each other.
If you go to a Bible dictionary and look at the words the Bible uses to talk about forgiveness they mean things like;
- “to send away” In the Old Testament the high priest would put his hands on the head of a goat and confess the sins of the people. The goat would then be sent away into the desert symbolically carrying the people’s sins away with it.
- Or another idea is “to cover up” The blood of sacrifices was seen as covering people’s sins.
- Or “to wipe away” in the sense of making someone clean.
- In the New Testament the most common word used for forgiveness means to “let go” or “release.”
So,
victims of abuse are often told by well meaning Christians to "just let it
go." And they’re reminded that the Bible says that if we don’t forgive
then God won’t forgive us. Isn’t that what we heard in the passage that was
read earlier? But although people are often told to forgive they’re very rarely
told what that actually means. Does it mean that we don’t report the abuser to
the authorities? Does it mean that we behave as if it didn’t happen? Does it
mean that the victim and abuser are supposed to re-establish a relationship?
If
forgiveness is letting go, what exactly is it that victims are supposed to let go
of?
It’s not
surprising, then, that many secular counsellors often get upset at the
church and say that you should never tell survivors to forgive the
perpetrators. But, as Christians, we’re stuck with the fact that the Bible
makes it clear that forgiveness is part of the process of recovery and healing.
We also have to recognise that it may be a little more complicated than we
first thought. The passage in Matt 18 ends with Jesus saying that God won’t
forgive us if we don’t forgive others. But it began with him saying that if
someone doesn’t repent then they need to be put out of the church. Where’s the
forgiveness in that? What does it mean to forgive?
We tend
to think that forgiveness should “make everything all better,” but scripture
doesn't teach that forgiveness comes easily nor that it always leads to
restoration of trust and relationship nor that there are no consequences.
In Num 14
the people of
Biblically,
forgiveness is a separate issue from consequences. The people of
David is
another example. David essentially raped Bathsheba. (If sexual abuse is about
power, then who is more powerful than the king?) Then he had her husband murdered.
In 2 Sam 12 we read about Nathan confronting David with his sin; and David confessed
and was forgiven. But God didn’t remove the consequences of his actions, which
haunted his family for generations.
There are
other examples, but clearly, being forgiven for something doesn’t mean you can
avoid the consequences of what you have done. As Christians our goal is to live
our lives as reflections of God’s character. He doesn’t confuse forgiveness
with consequences, and neither should we.
I want to
look at three kinds of forgiveness in scripture. (Once again I’m indebted to
Steve Tracy for this.) It’s important that we don’t confuse them or we either end
up telling abuse victims to do something God doesn’t require, or we miss
something that God does want us to do in order to heal.
The first
is what I want to call “vertical forgiveness.” This is the forgiveness that God
extends to people when they turn to God in repentance. King David was a rapist
and a murderer, and Ps51 is his prayer of repentance and his experience of
God’s forgiveness. This is God’s desire; to answer David’s prayer, “Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew
a steadfast spirit within me.” And God longs to do that for everybody,
including offenders.
It’s easy
for victims, and those who speak out for them, to miss this, to say “that’s not
fair.” But this is the outrageous grace of God. It was offensive in the first
century. (Jesus offended all kinds of people by the friends he chose.) And it’s
offensive today.
[Scottish
minister who had murdered mother]
God stands
ready to forgive everybody. He isn’t harbouring a grudge against anybody. But
he only expresses forgiveness to those who confess (take ownership for
what they’ve done) and repent (turn away from what they’ve done.) Ezekiel 33.11
says that God takes no pleasure in the death of the wicked, but neither does he
let them get away with their evil deeds.
If we
express forgiveness to someone too early, before they confess and repent, we
can actually remove the motivation to repent. Churches can sometimes tell
victims that they have to express forgiveness to abusers before they repent,
something even God doesn’t do. In the process we can get in the way of what God
is doing in the life of the abuser.
The
second kind of forgiveness is horizontal, human to human, and it has to do with
the internal attitudes of the victim. It has two sides, a negative side, letting
go of hatred and personal revenge, and a positive side, extending grace and loving-kindness
to the one who has wounded us.
There are
a number of philosophers who argue that resentment and bitterness is necessary
in a world of evil. If we let go of resentment and bitterness we injure the
person who has been violated. They say that resentment is necessary for justice.
If you let go of it you somehow devalue the victim’s suffering.
They’re
partly right. Look at the psalms. There’s lots of anger there, anger at those
who do evil. What angers God should anger us. But it’s really easy to cross the
line between anger at injustice and a settled bitterness. We can allow the evil
that has been done to us to take root in our own hearts. Eph 4.26 says, “26 “In
your anger do not sin”: Do not let the sun go down while you are still
angry, 27 and do not give the devil a foothold.” It’s OK to be angry
about some things. In fact if you’re not angry about things like slavery and
injustice then there’s something wrong. Just don’t let it turn into a settled hatred and
bitterness.
How do
abuse victims do that? If there was no God we couldn’t. We would have to
maintain our own resentment until we saw justice done. But we know that God is
a God of justice and by faith we can put justice in God’s hands and let go of
our attempts to get revenge. When we put justice in God’s hands, we still can
call sin “sin,” but I can relax in my dreams or attempts to get even.
[That
goes for all of us. How many times have you walked away from a situation and
replayed it in your head. “If only I had thought to say this or that. I would
have made them squirm.”]
But I
have to confess that my attempts at justice would be either too puny, or
inappropriate overkill. What is justice for the people who raped and murdered thousands
in
to the
one who has wounded me. Why in the world should I extend grace? In the end,
it’s because we have experienced God’s grace.
The third
kind of forgiveness is relational forgiveness, or reconciliation. This is God’s
ideal, his goal, his desire. The Bible makes it clear that relationships can
only be restored – there can only be reconciliation – if there is also confession
and repentance, but in time reconciliation is possible. You see that in 2 Cor 2
where Paul encourages the church to reinstate the person that they had
excommunicated in 1 Cor 5, but only because he had repented.
If
repentance is required before forgiveness can be expressed, it’s really important
that we be able to recognise it when we see it. So, what does repentance look
like? Certainly not just an apology.
Often an apology can be just a ploy to get people off our backs. An apology in
and of itself won’t cut it.
Real
repentance starts when someone takes responsibility for their actions. As David
says in Ps 51, “I know my transgressions,
and my sin is always before me. Against you, you only, have I sinned and done
what is evil in your sight, so that you are proved right when you speak and
justified when you judge.” He’s not shifting the blame any more.
Repentance
involves realising the damage done to the victim. It means trying to grasp what
they did and see it from the victim’s point of view.
It means
putting in new boundaries that show respect for the victim.
And it
means taking active steps to change the sinful patterns of behaviour that led
to the abuse. That might include going to counselling. You would be amazed at
the number of people who are referred to Marilyn for court mandated counselling
but never turn up. But they do expect Marilyn to write a letter that they were
in counselling. No, it only counts if you actually go!
The victim has work to do too. First they have to…
Name what
happened and the negative emotions that come from that. We can’t begin to
forgive until we face the brokenness within ourselves. When God forgave you did
he know what he was forgiving? Did he understand the nature of the offences and
the damage done? Obviously – he forgives with his eyes wide open. We need to do
the same. Then there is a need to…
So that
evil is held back. Boundaries for safety need to come before even thinking
about restored relationship.
Once
we’ve named the offence and taken steps to make sure it doesn’t happen again we
can begin to let go of our right to hurt them for hurting us. We can release
our resentment and put justice in God’s hands, where it belongs.
That sets
us free to re-evaluate the abuser and discover their humanity – not to excuse
their behaviour – but they do have needs, needs that they met inappropriately. Victims
tend to reduce abusive persons to the sum total of the abusive things they have
done to us. But they’re bigger than that.
[It’s
difficult to preach and not engage the issues you’re preaching on. Over these past
weeks I’ve been on a journey of my own as I’ve referred to my experience of
essentially growing up without a father. This week I realised that, although he
was never around, he was a provider, and I began to remember some happier
moments. In my memory he ceased to be a caricature and became a person, someone
made in God’s image. [tripe and cherries]]
In Col 3.12
Paul calls us to put on a heart of compassion. This comes before being able to
forgive. Seeing the other person as wounded as well – broken in their own
right.
Finally
we can get to the point of extending appropriate grace. Perhaps simply moving
from hatred to the desire that things would work out for them. Perhaps more.
[Corrie’s
story]
It takes
a long time, perhaps a lifetime. But we don’t let go of the process – God is
the God of forgiveness – we want to be like him. He forgave us as undeserving
sinners at his own expense, so we can ask God to give us strength to forgive
those who don’t deserve it, because he’s forgiven us and we don’t deserve it
either.