10 Keys To Successful Living
7 – Affair-proof Your Marriage
Ex 20.14

One of the interesting side effects of internet access is that you can read the opinions of people you disagree with without actually buying their books. Mind you, then you don’t have anything to throw across the room when you get to a part that you find particularly obnoxious.

Over the last few weeks we’ve been working our way through the Ten Commandments, and it wasn’t until I started researching for this series that I began to realise just what a lightning rod the Ten Commandments are for so many people. Lots of people seem to get their nose out of joint over these 17 verses of the Old Testament. There’s a lot of web pages devoted to ridiculing the Ten Commandments. After looking at a bunch of them, it seems to me that most of them come from one of two major positions. One type of web page says, “God isn’t like that. He doesn’t make rules, people do.” The other says essentially, “There is no God, and the Ten Commandments proves it. If there were really a God, surely he could do better than this.” And then they set about tearing apart the commandments.

This week we’re looking at the seventh commandment, “Do not commit adultery.” And in the midst of one of those online discussions I found this quote.

“Sexual transgressions typically relate to sexual conduct itself or to questions involving family or marital relations - though exactly why god should have such a deep and abiding interest in the sexual and marital predilections of his creation is not clear.”

The idea lying behind this statement is that my sexual activity is my own business, something private and personal. It’s nobody else’s business unless I choose to make it so. It’s the philosophy that lies behind Pierre Elliott Trudeau’s famous quote, “The state has no business in the bedrooms of the nation.” My sexuality is my business and mine alone; not the government’s, and not God’s.

 So, is it really foolish to believe that God cares about how we manage our sexuality? Or should we just brush this commandment off as another attempt to cramp our freedom? Maybe you can make an argument for things like laste week’s topic, “don’t kill people.” That makes sense for a well ordered society. But why is adultery in this list?

We’ve been looking at the Ten Commandments as, “10 Keys to Successful Living.” The basic assumption behind that title is that the Ten Commandments are good for us, that they lay out ways of living, ways of being, that are healthy and productive.

So, why is God so concerned about adultery?

What the word means

First of all, let’s be clear what the word means. “Adultery” is sexual intercourse between a married person and someone to whom they are not married. In the Old Testament it usually applied to a married woman having sex with a man she wasn’t married to, but Jesus extends it to married men who have sex with someone other than their wives.

So, we’re talking about quite a narrow subject. We’re not talking about sex outside of marriage. The Bible has other words for that, but it doesn’t call it adultery. And we’re not talking about various other sexual acts that were common then and now. We’re just talking about married people having sex with someone other than their spouse.

Why adultery is important

Now that we’re clear on what we’re talking about, let’s get back to the question that we started with, “Why is God so concerned about adultery?

To answer that question we need to remind ourselves again of what the Ten Commandments are. God rescued the Israelites from Egypt, where they were slaves, and eventually he will take them to the Promised Land. But right now they’re in the middle of the desert, at Sinai, and he’s laying out the terms of his relationship with his people.

He says, “I have rescued you from slavery. You are mine. We are bound together in covenant. Now, here is how I expect you to live.” And then he gives them the Ten Commandments.

So the Ten Commandments are not hoops that we have to jump through to make God happy. They are a description of the kind of people God wants us to be; people who will reflect his character in the world. That is still our calling as the people of God; to live out our lives in ways that reflect God and draw other people to him.

But, what does any of this have to do with adultery? …

In about 10 chapters’ time Moses will ask to see God’s glory. What he will get is a description of God’s character, “The Lord, the Lord, the compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness…” God is defined by his faithfulness. In simple terms, that means that he keeps his promises. What he says, he does. He doesn’t go back on his word. And he expects his people to be the same.

We make all kinds of promises throughout our lives. Every time we use a credit card we’re making a promise to pay at a later date. That’s what it says on the slip “I hereby promise to pay.” We promise our employer that we’ll work 40 hours a week, do our bit to make the company thrive, and in return they promise to pay us a certain amount of money every week, or every month. That’s essentially what a contract of employment is.

Like many of us here, I’m an immigrant, and I made a promise when I became a Canadian citizen. It’s called the oath of allegiance. I swear that I will be faithful and bear true allegiance to Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II, Queen of Canada, Her Heirs and Successors, and that I will faithfully observe the laws of Canada and fulfill my duties as a Canadian citizen. So, as an immigrant, if I break the law, I’m also breaking my promise.

Promises are important things. Promises kept, create trust. Promises broken, create distrust. There’s a book called “Trust” by Francis Fukiyama, where he shows how much more expensive it is to do business in a society where people don’t trust each other, not least because everybody has to pay lawyers to make sure people do what they promise.

The most significant promise we ever make is when we stand in front of a pastor (or some other religious leader like a rabbi) or a justice of the peace, and pledge to be faithful to another person “for as long as we both shall live.”

No other promise we make has the same kind of scope. It covers all aspects of our lives and all of our future. We promise to stick with this one person, “for better for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health, for as long as we both shall live.”

God wants us to be the kind of people who say things like that and stick to them.

So, why is adultery such a big issue? Because it’s about faithfulness and trust. In marriage you entrust yourself to someone else in the most intimate and personal way possible. Adultery violates that trust and it throws into question every other thing you’ve ever said. If you can’t keep this promise, what promise can you keep? If a politician cheats on their spouse can I really believe any promise they make to me? If the CEO of a company cheats on their spouse do they really have the integrity to manage the company in the best interests of the shareholders? We live in a society where this most important of all commitments is cheapened on a daily basis, and then we act surprised when our politicians lie or financial advisors fleece their clients.

How we can guard against it

So, adultery is about more than sex. It’s about keeping or breaking trust. It’s about keeping or breaking your word in what should be the most important commitment you ever make to another human being.

And yet we live in a sex soaked culture that glorifies adultery. It’s not just the story lines on TV shows and movies that show people breaking their promises with, apparently, no consequences. All you have to do is stand in line at the checkout to see headline after headline about who’s cheating on who and with whom. It’s everywhere, and if we’re to stand against the flow of our culture and be people who keep our word and remain faithful to our spouses we need to make some choices.

Now, you might note that in all that I’ve said so far there are two words I haven’t used. One is “love” the other is “affair.” Yet when people in our society talk about this topic, those are the words most often used, often together, as in “love affair.”

That’s because this is not about love. It’s about faithfulness. In the summer when we talked about romantic love I pointed out how powerful it is, and how temporary. Here’s something that we need to get straight. Romantic love never lasts. A large part of the reason why marriages fail is because one or other of the partners buys into the lie that they are supposed to be “in love” for the rest of their lives. When that stops, as it invariably does after somewhere between 6 months and 2 years, the surrounding culture tells them that they have to go find romance somewhere else, with someone else.

But the truth is that lasting relationships are not built on hormones, they’re built on trust and faithfulness.

So, in the midst of a culture that devalues marriage and commitment, how are we to maintain those things? How are we to affair-proof our marriages?

Maintain your marriage

The first step is to work on maintaining your marriage.

Dr. Willard Harley helps couples recover from infidelity. Through his work with thousands of couples he has identified what he thinks are the top 5 needs of most men and the top 5 needs of most women.

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The top five needs of most men are: Sexual fulfillment. Recreational companionship. An attractive spouse. Domestic support. Admiration.

The top five needs of most women are: Affection. Conversation. Honesty and openness. Financial support. Family commitment.

Did you see any similarities between those two lists? There aren’t any. That’s a major reason why we have so much trouble adjusting in marriage. Men come in to marriage thinking they’ve married someone just like them. They set about trying to meet the needs they have through their wife and feel frustrated when she doesn’t respond the same way he does.

Most women come into marriage thinking they’ve married someone very much like themselves. They set about to meet the needs that they have in a man and cannot understand why he doesn’t respond the same way she does.

How do we begin to bridge that gap? Let’s get serious and learn what our spouse needs. In a healthy marriage you live for the other person, to meet their needs. As the father of the bride said at I wedding I conducted. Marriage isn’t give and take, 50/50. It’s give and give, 100% from both sides. If you’re willing to seek to meet each others’ needs it will go a long way in protecting your marriage.

In our marriage we’re trying to meet each others needs. We’re not perfect and have some struggles. Our goal is to be best friends. How do you build a friendship? Time, Time and more Time

You can’t be best friends with someone you don’t spend time with, talk to or tell your heart to. Marilyn and I work hard to spend time together, which isn’t easy with our schedules. Because Marilyn counsels on many evenings we have to plan time together or it just won’t happen. We go to growth group together. We make major decisions together. We have some friends for fun times together. We serve the Lord together. We talk about things together. Marilyn goes sailing with me, even though she sometimes gets seasick. I watch chick flicks with Marilyn. We’re best friends.

Manage your mind

To stay clear of affairs you need to manage your mind. People don’t just fall into affairs. There’s a process, a whole series of events. James 1:14-15 says, “but each one is tempted when, by his own evil desire, he is dragged away and enticed. ¹⁵ Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death.”

It starts in your mind. Perhaps it begins with the thought “I deserve more than this” or the realisation that you feel lonely, and you begin to fantasise about how things could be different with someone else.

Then it develops into an emotional involvement with someone else. You look to another person other than your spouse for the deep emotional needs that we all have for understanding, support, and sympathy. Looking to someone other than your spouse for those needs to be met is an emotional affair, even if there isn’t a physical aspect to it. Christians often stop here and think they’re OK. After all nothing physical has happened. But they’re still violating their promise to faithful to one person. Faithfulness isn’t just about sex, it’s about who is the most important person in your life, after God.

Respect boundaries in relationships

Maintain you marriage, manage your mind, and respect boundaries in relationships. Most affairs occur between close personal friends, co workers or family members. How do you respect boundaries in relationships? And this applies to singles too. You can draw a line with married colleagues or friends.

1. Don’t listen to a member of the opposite sex tell you his or her marriage problems. Your heart will go out them and you’re in danger of getting emotionally involved.

2. Don’t go fishing for compliments or affirmation. You may have married a man that did not notice that two weeks ago you died your hair blue and has yet to comment on it. But that doesn’t mean that you’re to look outside of your marriage. It’s illegitimate to seek for another man to meet that need in your heart. Men, don’t go looking for affirmation or admiration from other women.

3. Don’t be taken unawares by a sense of electricity between you and a member of the opposite sex. Sometimes there’s a spark between you and another person. You have two choices at that point: You can either be stroked by it and think "Wow! That feels good. This person thinks I’m attractive." Or you can pull back and say "No, I choose to love my husband/wife and I’m not going to risk what I have, just because you make me feel good and make me feel wanted."

4. Avoid a prolonged stare. This is for the men. Don’t lock on to women. You know exactly what I mean. Avoid a prolonged stare -- it is lust and signals interest. There is no further explanation needed.

5. Avoid a lingering touch. If a person hugs you too long, or touches you in a way that feels uncomfortable, it is a dead giveaway that they are interested. Don’t do it. And beware if someone does it to you. Take this seriously; it’s for your protection.

Conclusion

I could go on with examples, but the principle is simple. Those of us who are married have made a commitment to be faithful to one another. We’ve made a promise and we need to keep it because belong to a God who keeps his promises.

And for those who are single, you have a role in helping spouses maintain their boundaries. There are different rules when you’re around married people. Be aware of that, and help them stay true to their promises.